It’s easy to turn the other cheek when dealing with behaviors that are flaky or otherwise inconsiderate. But should you really be doing so? Or are these actions actually an indication of what kind of partner they’re likely to be down the road?
The common advice we get is that it’s just the beginning and you should give it time. That might actually be detrimental to us, though.
The way a person behaves and treats you at the beginning of a relationship can actually tell you quite a bit about their personality. If they’re hot and cold, indifferent, or playing games, those things are not likely to get better over time.
The Qualities to Look For In a Relationship
There are five overlapping qualities to look for in a successful relationship: consistency, availability, reliability, responsiveness and predictability (CARRP). These closely related qualities are at odds with the idea that we need to be mysterious or play hard to get (however misguided) in order not to appear undesirable on the dating scene.
The idea of people looking for the same interests and education to find a partner isn’t always make a relationship succeed. It is more important to look for someone who has CONSISTENCY, AVAILABILITY, RELIABILITY AND RESPONSIVENESS as well as PREDICTABILITY in addition to caring about each other.
If you know what to look for at the beginning of a new romantic relationship, you’ll be able to filter out people who aren’t right. This will save your energy and allow more time for those that are, so it’s worth it. You can better weed out the wrong partners…so you can save your energy for someone who is right.
First You Need to Learn About Attachment Styles
There are three main attachment styles – secure, anxious and avoidant. Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and have less preoccupation about the relationship. Anxious is when you’re afraid that you might lose your partner or people close to them. Avoidant style can be defined as not having any feelings towards the person they’re in a relationship with while also being dismissive or indifferent to their needs and wants within that context, which can lead to resentment given time passes by.
People with a secure attachment style tend to be warm, loving, comfortable with closeness and care less about the status of the relationship. They don’t worry as much or are not as insecure in their relationships as the others. This is because they have higher confidence levels in themselves and trust their partner to support them through tough times while also providing comfort when needed.
People who have an anxious attachment style crave intimacy but need more reassurance that what they’re doing will work out for them since they can get highly sensitive to potential threats in a relationship. They may even seem needy at times.
Those with an avoidant attachment style aren’t so sure of themselves around close people and often distance themselves from these individuals. If anything it’s because proximity makes reliance on anyone else uncomfortable . Their independence is such that receiving any sort of help from someone else means giving away some power over their own life which could make them feel weak.
How to Spot a Keeper
Here are the CARRP traits you want to look for in a new relationship: They call when they say they’re going to, tell you that they like you instead of beating around the bush, they make plans for a date and stick to them. This means that this person is likely secure in their attachment style and would be an ideal romantic partner because people with secure attachments tend to make the best partners overall.
When you first start dating someone with a secure attachment style, things will flow easily. You’ll never have to wonder when the next date will be, where you stand in the relationship or if this person might leave you for somebody else. This can actually help create an increased sense of security within yourself that lets you feel more comfortable and confident no matter what your own attachment style is.
Dating a person with a secure attachment style is like having your own relationship coach who walks you through potential pitfalls and teaches you how to be more secure in relationships with others.
You can gauge whether someone has these traits very early on, even before meeting them!
How to Tell If Someone Has a Secure Attachment Style
Let’s say you matched with someone on a dating app, but then they start acting wishy-washy. At this point, stage a secure attachment intervention by saying “My schedule is very busy at the moment and I can only be available for this Friday. If that’s not good for you, then suggest something else. Let’s make it happen!”
The way a person responds to you will give you clues about whether they are likely be a good partner, and if so, what specific qualities or traits they possess.
When you ask for something directly in this way from someone, how they respond will tell you what you need to know.
If they respond well to your messages, that means you can start building a relationship with them. First off, this is an indication of how much they might be willing to align their needs and wants with yours in terms of working together on something.
If someone doesn’t respond or is being hot and cold, they are not showing secure traits and may have low interest in you. If they don’t act like their feelings for you are genuine, then it’s best to get out now. Don’t mistake butterflies when someone isn’t interested in love as excitement or love itself – it’s just a change of heart!
You’re confusing passion with anxiety. It’s a bad sign, and this should go without saying, but if you expect your date to act in ways that are secure, you need to exhibit those traits yourself too.